If I was a fruit?

If I was a fruit?

-Now, why would I be a fruit? This one time, I saw a fruit, and do-ro'ik vong pratte!!! *drools*
-I would lecture all the other fruits with my infinite knowledge.
-This is a fact.
-Every man in the supermarket would be fighting over me.
-I am fruit. Who are you?
-Mutant creation fruit designed to poison infidels...all in a day's work.
-If it came down to it, I would sacrifice myself for the sake of fruitiness.
-I would betray all the other fruit.
-I'd be the sexiest looking fruit on the tree

-....but...I'm not a fruit! Wait, let me run some tests and check.